spamalot } { of bad news and hard truths

[littlebitscary]

Derek: Fiona, I'm home. [not that the door made a loud enough noise to announce his presence] Liam's eating at Peter's tonight since he's with Isaac and Scott working on his lacrosse game. [heading to the bedroom to change]

Fiona: [eyes track him as he moves through the apartment, plunking the last of the chicken into the marinade she had put together and staring at it curiously] Want to just do leftovers, then? I'll save the actual meal for tomorrow when he's home?

Derek: Sure. Whatever works for you. [he's in that brooding mood, lost in his own head as he disappears in the room and closes the door]

Fiona: [she frowns a bit at that, before covering the bowl and cleaning up the kitchen a bit. Once the chicken's in the fridge to sit, she makes her way back to the bedroom to check on her husband, closing the door behind her as she does] Everything okay?

Derek: [is pulling on a t-shirt as she walks in, turning to look at her] Yeah, everything's fine. Why?

Fiona: [leans against the doorway for a minute as she watches him] You've got that "stuck in my head" look. [eight years of marriage and she's got most of his looks down by now.]

Derek: [sighs, looking at his hands a moment, then shakes his head] Just stuff. It's fine. [he doesn't want to start the argument. He's been avoiding this argument for years now.]

Fiona: [she doesn't like the fact that he can't just tell her, which makes her think it has something to do with her. She takes a few steps closer, her hands slipping into his as she tries to meet his eyes] No. Tell me.

Derek: [licks his lips, because he doesn't want to hurt her. He feels lately that his desire for a family hurts her, which is why he keeps his quite stance] I just... [sighs] one of my friends from college e-mailed me about their newborn son.

Fiona: [her eyes flicker for a moment and she nods. She gets where the brooding is coming from. She exhales a bit, before giving him a small smile, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes] That's a good thing, right?

Derek: [smiles back, nodding] Yeah, it's a good thing. They've been trying for a while, so I'm very happy for them.

Fiona: [she gives his hands a bit of a squeeze, almost as a nonverbal way of saying it's okay. He can say it. It's been the elephant in the room for way too long] So why the broody face?

Derek: [he closes his eyes] Because I'm jealous. And I shouldn't be, but I am.

Fiona: [she takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, trying to figure out what to say to him, but she can't get far beyond this:] I'm sorry. [because she knows that she's the one holding him back from that]

Derek: [he squeezes her hands, because he doesn't know her reasons, but he is the supportive husband. But he lets go and rubs at his nose a bit] But yeah, that's all. So, um... what leftovers do we have for dinner? [because it's easier to change the subject than have the fight]

Fiona: [she watches him pull away and she glances up at him] Derek ...

Derek: [he looks back, but he's not meeting her eye] I know, Fiona. That's why I'm not bringing it up. It's fine.

Fiona: No, it's not. [not for him. Not really for her either, but she's not the one who's having a hard time with it at the moment]

Derek: [he sighs, his shoulders setting.] Listen, you told me you'll tell me when you were ready. Just like you did when I wanted to marry you. So I'm trying to be patient, okay? Don't push me to talk about it.

Fiona: [her eyes close because she told him that before everything happened and her arms cross over her stomach almost defensively without even realizing she's doing it] I will if I think you need to.

Derek: Well, I don't need to. So don't worry about it. [she went defensive, so he was going to just back away] I'm just going to go outside and shoot some baskets and work it out myself. Just tell me when dinner's ready. [the words shouldn't have come off with that edge of anger in them, but they do. So he moves to leave before he keeps going]

Fiona: [her eyes close as he walks away, and she knows she needs to say something because she didn't expect him to be this angry about it. if he did, she expected him to leave her long before this, but he didn't. he's still there. which is why now she has to do the thing that's harder. Her eyes close, one hand coming up to cover her mouth for a moment, before taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly] I can't.

Derek: [his hand is on the door but he stops, and turns] What do you mean, you can't?

Fiona: [she blinks for a moment, trying to keep her resolve as she turns to face him, arms still wrapped around her tightly] Remember the thing with the beserkers a couple years back? [she isn't really sure he could forget. she was in the hospital for a week, in and out of consciousness.]

Derek: [he nods, smelling the anxiety in the air from her and that was giving him a very bad feeling]

Fiona: [one hand comes up to swipe at the corner of her eye for a moment before she resettles and exhales slowly] There was a lot of damage they needed to fix, and with the scarring and everything else ... [she trails off then shakes her head] ... the doctor said the likelihood of me being able to conceive was ... slim if possible at all.

Derek: [and that makes him lean against the door in shock. That had been a hard time for him, but it was years ago now] Why didn't you tell me this back then?

Fiona: [she shakes her head a bit, before moving to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands] Because ... it was something I could control. Because ... so many stupid, selfish reasons but if you left me because you got tired of waiting or because we didn't want the same things, that I could handle, but if left me because my stupid body couldn't ... [and that's when the tears are starting, because she's held this together for so long and he's probably going to hate her for this anyway] ... I thought I could handle it on my own.

Derek: [he wants to punch something really hard. Not her - this wasn't her fault - but someone or something just to get the pain out. But he can wait until later, and goes to kneel in front of her, his hands on her knees. he needed to be the strong one here] Fi, you're my mate. Me leaving isn't something that's ever going to happen. You should know that by now. There's no way I could ever not love you.

Fiona: [she glances up at him, just staring at him for a moment before staring down at his hands] But I can't give you what you want. [which she wants to. she wishes more than anything that she could, and the worst of it is, she wants him to have it] You being mad at me is easier than you being disappointed in me, leaving or not.

Derek: [he lowers his head a moment] Well, to be fair, you should have told me. I'm mad that you couldn't trust me to be able to handle that news earlier. But that prognosis was a few years ago. Have you asked since then to any other doctors?

Fiona: [she pauses a bit, before shaking her head, one hand coming up to wipe at her cheeks] My job hasn't exactly gotten less ... [likely for her to take punches to the stomach] ... either.

Derek: Oh trust me, I know. I worry about you every time you take a job. [it was why he kept the safe, steady job to focus on] But that doesn't mean it's a final decree, Fi. We can go talk to a specialist. See what we can do, or know for sure and make choices. Not knowing means we can't move forward at all.

Fiona: [she nods. she knows. not knowing just seemed safer] I can't get my hopes up, Derek. Not about this. I can't go through treatments and miscarriages and just ... waiting for something that might never happen. It'll kill me.

Derek: [nods, his head dropping as his fingers squeeze her knees] So you'd rather just have no hope at all?

Fiona: I ... I don't know. [her hands slide over his, feeding that connection between them back into him] It's one of those things where I wish I was someone else with another life, because I want you to have this, but if we go down this road it's either we know for sure it's no, and there is no hope, or we try and hope and I don't know how long I can do it before I can't anymore.

Derek: [is quiet for a long moment] I don't know what you want me to say, Fi.

Fiona: [she shakes her head] I don't want you to say anything. [she feels like she's letting him down completely, and it's not fair. none of this is fair, but she's not strong enough for this, and her body doesn't fix itself like his would. This isn't something she can change. This isn't something she chose, it's just something that is what it is and she hates it as much as she's sure he does] Say whatever you need to say.

Derek: [thinks, putting his words into the right sentences to make sure he says it right] Fi, you are perfect to me the way you are. I've never asked you to change, never will, and I don't want you to think that. But you don't know if that doctor was wrong. And I really want a family. For so many reasons, but my own selfish ones above everything else. And I want kids with you. Can you at least open yourself up to having a doctor really look and see what the damage is first? And if it's not possible, we can know that and figure out what to do next. I can't let go of that need until I know for sure. Until we know. And if it comes to treatments and fears... I won't put you through it. But he could exam you and say you're perfectly fine. Give me this one piece of hope to see? And if not - we'll figure it out.

Fiona: [she sucks in a breath, trying not to show how much the finality of what this could mean worried her, but she nods all the same. For him. she could do this for him.]

Derek: And if you can't, Fiona... I'm not going to leave you. I swear to god, I'm not going to. [he turned his hands to holds hers] For better or worse, remember?

Fiona: [her eyes close and she nods squeezing his hands tightly to keep him close] I'm sorry.

Derek: I know. [he leaned his head up to kiss her forehead]

Fiona: [she exhales softly] I love you.

Derek: I love you too.

Fiona: [she pulls back to look up at him] How long are you going to be mad at me?

Derek: For not telling me this sooner? A while. Doesn't mean I don't love you any less.

Fiona: I know. [she exhales slowly] Just trying to figure out how much trouble I'm in.

Derek: Trouble - I don't know. I'm actually more hurt you didn't think you could tell me and hid it.

Fiona: [she shakes her head] I just felt so ... inadequate. I still feel inadequate.

Derek: You are not inadequate. You're perfect. [and he reaches up to cup her cheek] I wouldn't change a single thing, Fi, not a thing. We'll figure it out. Just have a little faith in me?

Fiona: [she nods, still not entirely feeling it but she feels a little better. her hand reaches up to curl into his shirt before pulling him closer, letting her forehead rest against his shoulder]

Derek: [he pulls her close, and he carefully presses his lips and fangs against her skin at her neck. He learned from Peter about why he always had that urge during sex, and had told Fiona one night. But he was doing it to comfort her now, to remind her how much he truly loved her and he was hers no matter what]

Fiona: [her eyes close tightly at that and she burrows into him, doing her best to pull herself back together again and feel like less of a mess.]

Derek: [nope, dinner will be on hold as he moves to stand up only to push her back on the bed and slide up with her, pulling her into his arms tightly. He has her, engulfing her in his size and hold, making sure she feeling him all around her so she has something to hold onto while she works herself through it]

Fiona: [she goes with him, just surrounding herself with him and calming herself down. With it being out in the open, finally after so long, the rest of the emotions she never dealt with comes with it, and she breaks down in his arms, unable to stop herself]

Derek: [he tucks her head under his chin, closing his eyes as he just lets himself be the rock she needs him to be. He can smell her pain, hear it... his own tears silently falling into the pillow. His hand just rubs her back to help, whispering that it'll be okay softly into the air for both of them]

Fiona: [eventually it stops, exhaling slowly and pulling back to look at him] I'm sorry you married such a mess.

Derek: I'm not [he reached up to wipe at his eyes with a chuckle] I worked damn hard to get this mess to marry me.

Fiona: [she laughs a bit at that] Still don't know why you did sometimes.

Derek: Because you let me. Because you love me. And Because I can't imagine my life without you in it. [and he kisses her gently]

Fiona: [she kisses him back, one hand curling into his shirt and releasing it as she does]

Derek: [keeps it up a bit, then pulls back] And seriously, after all the shit that happened before we got married - this is nothing. We'll figure this out easy.

Fiona: Mmmm. At least we haven't had to deal with an evil druid in a while.

Derek: Well, I haven't. I don't ask what you do on jobs.

Fiona: [she shakes her head] Mostly hunter problems.

Derek: There's always hunter problems. [he goes to kiss her again] You know what, let's just order pizza and watch a movie while Liam's gone. We haven't had time to do that in a while.

Fiona: [she smiles a bit at that before nodding] Yeah. Sounds good.

Derek: Good, you pick the movie, I'll go order the pizza.

Fiona: [nods as she shifts to get up, heading into the bathroom to wash her face before going to flip through the movies]