spamalot } { of uncertainty and breakups

[impetere]

[♫ Better Sorry Than Safe ~ Halestorm]



[Around junior year of college, Cora and Stiles are sitting around, talking about their future, and Cora drops the bomb of “Stiles, I want to go to MIT.”]

Stiles: Oh. Well, no, that's fine. I mean, [scratches his head] Yeah, we can go east. The internship will still be a great resume boost. I mean, hell I probably won't get the job offer anyway and there's a lot of stuff in Boston for web designers.

Cora: But what if you do?

Stiles: Well, there's an office in Cambridge. I can see if they will let me work there. I'm not worried about finding a job.

Cora: But what if you want to work here.

Stiles: Cora. I haven't even done the internship. I may hate it. [he highly doubts he'll hate it] Being with you comes first. A job is just a job.

Cora: [she highly doubts he'll hate it too] You shouldn't do everything just based on what I want.

Stiles: I'm not doing everything based on what you want. I'm doing what I want too.

Cora: Are you? [she takes a step back, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking up at him] I know. I know you haven't even done it yet, but you're already scheduling your life on what I want before we even get there.

Stiles: Well, I want you first. Everything else just fits into place around that. And if you want to go to do grad school, then I'm going with you. I can get a job when we get there.

Cora: You don't have to keep putting me first.

Stiles: [sighs and rubs the back of his neck] Why do you keep doing that?

Cora: Doing what?

Stiles: The thing you do anytime I try and talk about our future.

Cora: [she looks down at her hands, playing with her fingers] I just want ... I don't want you to miss out on anything. Because of me. Sometimes I feel like that's all you talk about is our future, and sometimes I feel like ... ["them" is becoming all he is]

Stiles: I'm not missing out on anything, Cora. But this is what couples do - they plan things together. That's what I'm trying to do now. But you don't like talking about it. You did this back in high school, and you're doing it again.

Cora: Maybe I don't want to start planning things together.

Stiles: [and that stops him] I thought after college... [no, he's speechless. He doesn't know what to say to that]

Cora: [she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath before looking up at him again] You thought but you never asked.

Stiles: [he sits down next to her, licking his lips] I'm sorry. Okay, let's just start this over again then.

Cora: [her fingers grip the edge of the bed next to her as he sits, eyes down on her lap and the words are coming out before she can stop them] Stiles, I think I need a break.

Stiles: What? No, we've already been apart for the better part of two and a half years, Cora. Why do you need a break?

Cora: Because I don't want you to make all your decisions based on me. I think for a little while we just need to worry about ourselves.

Stiles: I don't want to be by myself. Cora, I want you. Why is that so wrong?

Cora: I can't be everything for you, Stiles. I can't be the end all and be all. [she doesn't want to swallow him because if he doesn't think about himself, and she just lets herself swallow him] Because the more you focus on me, the more I feel like I'm losing you.

Stiles: [is so confused at that he doesn't even know where to begin to try and debunk it] You're not losing me, Cora. I'm right here.

Cora: [she knows. she knows he's right there, and there's a part of her that's rebelling against what she's doing, wanting to just fall into him and his plans and selfishly take him to Boston with her and let this happen, but there are still those doubts, those worries, and she knows that if she tries, she'll never be able to just settle into it the way she should. she glances down again, staring at her feet] I love you. But I think if I go to Boston, I should go by myself.

Stiles: But you don't have to. I can find things that I want there too, as long as I have you. Cora, I love you. I don't want to lose you.

Cora: Stiles, please. [she finally looks up at him, pleading with him to not make this harder] I need to.

Stiles: No. [no, he's going to make it hard] You don't. You think you need to, but you know you don't. Please, Cora, don't do this.

Cora: [no. she's made up her mind. and she'll regret some of this later, but she's going to keep her resolve] I'm sorry. [and she's getting up because she can't keep fighting him, and she should leave]

Stiles: Cora, please no. [he's breaking, his hand shaking as he tries to grab her.] We can talk about this. Don't go.

Cora: [his hand catches her wrist and she shakes her head] If we talk about this, you'll just try and convince me to stay and I'll do it because I love you but it won't ... [she pauses before turning to face him] ... It won't make these feelings go away, so please, Stiles. Don't make this worse. Just let me go.

Stiles: No, I'm not letting you go. You talk about me giving up things for you, but I'm not. And I'm not giving you up.

Cora: I can't do this anymore. [and it's not about him. It's about her not being able to forge forward and plan a life and she needs some space, as much as she loves him]

Stiles: [and tears are starting to fall] Please don't leave me. Please, Cora.

Cora: [it takes everything she has not to give in. One tear slips past herself and she brings her hand up to swipe it away from her cheek, and she pulls away] Goodbye, Stiles.

Stiles: No. [but he lets her go, falling to his knees on the floor of his room, a panic attack trying to take hold] Please don't go.

Cora: [she all but runs from the room, knowing if she stays a moment longer she won't leave. She leaves, gets in her car and drives and probably won't stop until she gets to her brother's, not really wanting to see anything else]

Stiles: [was screaming at her down the hall to come back before the attack took hold, and thankfully his neighbor came over to help him get his inhaler and the RA to try and get him medical attention because he can't snap out of it.]

Derek: [is at home, working on his classwork for the next week, not expecting the storm that's about to blow in]

Cora: [knocks, because he's not expecting her, taking deep breaths as she tries to keep calm herself]

Derek: [looks up, then goes to the door and as he gets close he can hear the heartbeat and smell the anxiety and opens it quickly] Cora?

Cora: [she looks up at him, and there are more tears, her eyes clouding with them] Stiles and I ... [she pauses as she tries to figure out how to phrase it] ... we're not ... [but before she can get it all out, her face is crumpling and she's curling in on herself a bit]

Derek: [oh crap. No, no no no he's pulling her into his chest to hold her tightly, kicking the door shut behind them] Cora, it's okay I got you.

Cora: [she lets herself be pulled, burying her face in his shoulder as she cries. Every part of her wants to get back in her car and run back to him, hoping that he'll forgive her but she knows that she can't. She knows this is the right thing to do. It has to be]

Derek: [confused brother is so confused, but he just snuggles her close, his hand holding the back of her head, his other arm tight around her shoulders.] Shhh, its okay. Its okay, Cora.

Cora: [it doesn't feel okay. nothing feels okay. but she lets Derek hold her through it until eventually she pulls back a bit, swiping one hand at her eyes] I'm sorry.

Derek: No, it's okay. This is what I'm here for. [he reached up to help get her hair out of her face] What happened, pup?

Cora: [she shakes her head] We want different things. [all Stiles wants is her and it scares the crap out of her is more like it]

Derek: You and Stiles? [he puts and arm across her shoulder, guiding her more inside and to the couch]

Cora: [she nods as she settles on the couch, her hands coming up to brush against her eyes] I told him I needed a break.

Derek: Something happen? Because I thought the whole different college thing was for you to try time apart?

Cora: [she shakes off the question, not answering it directly but answering it enough] Derek, he was so upset.

Derek: I can't blame him. He loves you, Cora.

Cora: I know. [that's what he kept saying. He loves her.] But he doesn't listen to me.

Derek: What were you trying to tell him?

Cora: That I can't go where he's trying to lead me.

Derek: Which was where?

Cora: He just assumes ... he always assumes that we're on the same page regarding us and where we're going. He thinks that because we're together we automatically want or feel the same things.

Derek: [nods] it happens in all couples. Fiona and I do that all the time.

Cora: And when I try to tell him, he misses the point.

Derek: [just nods, letting her talk]

Cora: I don't know if what I want is what he wants. I love him, but I might be going to Boston, and I told him that I didn't think he should come with me.

Derek: [sighs, rubbing her back] Do you not want him to go because you think he'll hold you back from something?

Cora: [she shakes her head] I think he's holding himself back.

Derek: Because he wants to follow you because he loves you.

Cora: I want him to want things for himself.

Derek: [nods. He'd say he was worried about the same thing with Fiona following him to DC all those years ago, but she had a life on that coast too, so it wasn't] Are you going to be okay with this? I can tell how much it's hurting you.

Cora: [she nods. she'd be okay. she has to be] Just. Can I stay here tonight?

Derek: Yeah, Fiona's on a job out of town, so I'm by myself for a few days.

Cora: [she nods again] Thanks, Derek.

Derek: [hugs her close, kissing the top of her head] It's no problem, pup.

Cora: [just burrows into him, soaking in whatever comfort she can get]

Derek: [and he will just snuggle her as long as she needs him]

Cora: [and eventually she will probably drift off from the emotional exhaustion]

Stiles: [and he will be texting in the morning, begging to talk to her]

Cora: [stares at it for a moment, before responding] I don't think that's a good idea.

Stiles: Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry. Just, please don't give up on us.

Cora: I'm not. I just need a break.

Stiles: Okay. But before you go across the country, can we talk?

Cora: [she hesitates, not sure what to do, but she doesn't want to leave things badly between them. she pushes up into a sitting position and sighs as she texts] Okay.

Stiles: Okay, then I'll come to the house when the semester is over and we can talk. Good.

Cora: Okay.

Stiles: I love you. Just remember that, okay?

Cora: I do.

Stiles: [looking at the phone in his dorm room, wiping at his eyes. But he makes himself put the phone down, then away and just curl into his pillow. Scott was on his way to the school to spend the weekend with him, and hopefully he would help Stiles figure out a gameplan to keep the world from imploding on him]

Cora: [leans back into Derek's couch, putting the phone down and hoping she isn't making a mistake. on any front.]

Stiles: [and he's good. He gives her space. He doesn't even text her when he gets the internship even though he really wants to. She wants a break and he does his damn best to give her it. Scott, on the other hand, doesn't realize how needy Stiles has become and wow, he really hopes Allison isn't jealous. But finally summer comes and Stiles only has a few days in town before he has to go up to Google and he drives up to the house, already anxious about this. He has to get this right. If he doesn't, he could lose her forever and he can't do that]

Cora: [she knows he's coming and she's sitting on the porch waiting for him. She's missed him in the radio silence, and there are moments where she's had to keep herself from reaching out as well, but she knows that's normal. They've been together for so long, it's going to take some adjusting to being without him. She isn't sure this is enough, though. She'll have to wait and see what he says]

Stiles: [and he hops out, seeing her waiting and giving her a small smile and wave] Hey, you uh... you busy? Cause I was hoping we could talk...

Cora: [she shakes her head, indicating that she's not] No, I'm free.

Stiles: [he climbs the steps, leaning against the post for the porch, unsure of how close he should get or how to act] I um.... I'm sorry. I think I realize that I wasn't really listening or thinking about what you wanted, and I'm really sorry about that.

Cora: [she exhales a bit at that, nodding slowly because yeah. that's a lot of what it was] It's okay.

Stiles: I want to listen now. I want to know what you want.

Cora: [she exhales a bit, leaning back against the seat for a moment] When it comes to us, I don't know what I want.

Stiles: [nods, even though that hurts just a bit] Am I doing something wrong to make you think I don't love you enough?

Cora: [her face softens a bit at that, and she shakes her head] No. Not at all. That's the one thing I know for sure.

Stiles: But it's not what you want anymore?

Cora: [she exhales slowly because him loving her is the thing she knows she wants.] I don't know. I love you, but I just want to get through right now.

Stiles: [looks down at his feet a moment, his hand playing on the guard rail] You know, the thing about being in a relationship is that we aren't supposed to have to go through things alone. We're supposed to support each other.

Cora: Yeah. Each other. Not you constantly supporting me and not taking anything for yourself.

Stiles: But I do take things from you, Cora. You support me too. You give me your love, you put up with my hyperactive moments like no one else can. You make me feel confident that I'm not a complete dork. That's all I need.

Cora: How do you know? This is all we've known, how do you know you don't need more?

Stiles: Because I just know, Cora. If I needed more, I'd tell you. I'm happy... well, no right now I'm pretty miserable without you. I don't need anything else but you to be happy.

Cora: Well, I don't know. [which is going to be the thing that hurt the most]

Stiles: [nods, his fingers bouncing on the railing more] So you want to date other guys?

Cora: [she shakes her head first. Then she shrugs] I just want the space to figure that out.

Stiles: I just don't understand how I'm not good enough for you anymore.

Cora: [she closes her eyes] Stiles, that isn't it.

Stiles: I'm trying to listen, Cora, but I'm not understanding.

Cora: You keep talking about our future. About what you want for us. Do you want me to just keep going with it, even with whatever doubts I have and constantly be wondering or do you want me to know?

Stiles: [he rubbed at his neck] No. I just wish I knew why you were having doubts in the first place.

Cora: I wish I did too. But ignoring them isn't going to make them go away.

Stiles: What am I supposed to do if you don't come back?

Cora: I don't expect you to wait for me.

Stiles: [shakes his head] You realize you're talking about me not taking what I want, and yet you're going to take away from me the only thing I want that I actually have, right?

Cora: [just looks down at her hands] This isn't just about you, Stiles.

Stiles: No, it's not. But you really think I'm going to be happy knowing that you're throwing everything that is us away on a maybe. That you can't just trust that feeling inside you that I know you have that is telling you this is the wrong choice?

Cora: Of course not. [she doesn't expect him to be happy with any of this] But I need to do this. For me.

Stiles: [he took a deep breath, reaching up to rub at his eyes] This is bullshit and you know it, Cora. [lashing out] Six years, and now you don't know what you want? You do this... and you're going to regret it. I promise you that.

Cora: [she tries to straighten a bit, not feel the hit of those words, but there's still a bit of a flinch] Maybe I will. But it's still my choice to make.

Stiles: And in that, you're taking my choice away from me by force.

Cora: [she grits her teeth] No, you still have a choice. You can either respect my decision or try and badger me into making the one that's better for you.

Stiles: [he just points a shaking finger at her, angry and heartbroken] You've already made your choice, and you're too... damn stubborn to see it's the wrong one because you don't want to admit you're wrong. You're afraid that you can have everything you want and you're running.

Cora: And is telling me all of this supposed to change that? [her words are getting sharper, bristling in the face of his anger, because she doesn't know what else to do] I got into MIT, Stiles. I'm going, and I'm doing it alone. That's my choice. I'm sorry.

Stiles: Well, I'm not going to be here when you figure out that it's the wrong choice.

Thomas: [hearing the arguing and comes to stand in the doorway] Alright, kids. I think that's enough.

Cora: [is about to say that she's not asking him to be, she wants him to go and do what he needs to do, but then her father is there and she swallows the comment, crossing her arms in front of her chest defensively]

Stiles: No, I'm not done yet.

Thomas: Stiles, you need to leave, son. She's told you she's made her choice.

Stiles: You know she's wrong!

Thomas: That's not my place to say, or yours. It's hers. Now you need to leave, or I'm calling your father to come out here and remove you. Understand me?

Stiles: [and that hurt just as much as this whole conversation, and he shook his head, moving to leave the porch] I wish I had never met any of you in the first place. I should have known better than to fall in love with a wolf.

Cora: [she flinches as she curls back into her seat, trying not to show how much the words hurt all the same. There's a part of her that wants to run after him and fix it but she can't. All she can do is watch him leave and hope she doesn't start crying again until he's gone]

Stiles: [and he's going to just peel out of the driveway. He doesn't know where to go, but he has to go somewhere.]

Thomas: [deep breath, then looks over at Cora] You okay, baby girl?

Cora: [she watches him go, one knee tucked up into her chest as she shakes her head]

Thomas: [reaches over to rub her back] Sometimes the choices in life that you think are right are the hardest ones you have to make, honey. Even when it means having to leave the ones you love behind.

Cora: [the first few tears leak out, and she brings a hand up to swipe at her eyes] I just wish I could be sure.

Thomas: You won't. And you're going to doubt yourself every day. You're going to want to run back, but if this is what you think is right, you have to just keep moving forward and you'll figure it out.

Cora: Not about this. [this, unfortunately, she was very sure about] About him.

Thomas: That's only a question your heart can answer.

Cora: [she nods. she knows.] I can't do it with him there. I need to figure it out on my own.

Thomas: Then go, baby girl, and figure it out. And if it's right, he'll be here when you get back.

Cora: [she nods a bit at that, before tipping her forehead forward to rest against her knee]

Thomas: [leans down to kiss the top of her head] If you want, why don't we call Victor and see if you can spend the summer out that way. That way you can figure out things for after you graduate next year.

Cora: [she swallows a bit before nodding. Getting away would be good. Not that Stiles is going to be in Beacon Hills, but she'd rather not have her friends - mostly Malia - judging her either]