new york wolves } { of unpacking issues and clearing the air

[likeababyduck]

Derek: Every time I try to talk about it to someone, it feels like I'm just being told that I'm wrong. That the things I'm thinking or feeling aren't right and I can't deal with that anymore.

Sweets: How do you mean?

Derek: [shrugs] I don't even know anymore. I want to be alone, but that's wrong. I want to be angry about a conversation, but that's wrong. I have issues with this whole "finding a mate" bullshit that it feels like everyone is pissed at me for not caring about like I'm supposed to.

Sweets: Okay, let's unpack this one thing at a time. What conversation?

Derek: It was this thing between me and Beckett the other day. I was trying to open up about who I was and about my family, and maybe it was trivial shit but she basically told me I didn't need to share, and I just... I was trying to be open.

Sweets: How'd that make you feel?

Derek: It hurt. I mean, I was trying to explain to her something. And then I got angry later after she was gone because I didn't know if it was something I did, or if she just didn't care and then Nik comes along trying to help but pretty much making me feel that what I felt was wrong and I had to get over it.

Sweets: Have you tried talking to her about it since?

Derek: No. We've been on a case, and it's sometimes easier to just focus on the work and just let it get buried and forgotten.

Sweets: Easier, maybe, but this is your partner. You need to feel like you have an open line of communication with her. It's critically important to you continuing to work together.

Derek: Before everything with Kate, we used to. But now everything just feels broken. We try to get it back. We have moments... but something's changed and I don't know what.

Sweets: Do you feel it's the way she treats you, or is it something you're feeling?

Derek: I don't know. I honestly don't know, Sweets. [and he threads his fingers over the top of his head as he's sitting, trying to focus on his breathing] I can't even find time to think anymore.

Sweets: Okay. Okay. [he gets up and moves to sit on the couch next to him, resting one hand on his back gently] Maybe what you need is a break.

Derek: I haven't been home in two days, Sweets. Anytime I'm home one of my sisters feels the need to be around me. I blew up at Cora because she pretty much told me that my wanting to be alone comes off as my spiraling back into being depressed and I just... I love my family but I can't breathe anymore at home without someone being there.

Sweets: Well, one of the things you had on your list was getting your own place. Maybe it'd be a good idea to start looking.

Derek: [nods] Yeah. I've been just crashing at my cousin's old art studio apartment the last two days. It's helped. I just don't know how my sisters will take it. I don't want them to think they are the reason I'm leaving.

Sweets: There's nothing wrong with wanting your own space. Frankly, I'm not sure how all of you survived living together in that apartment for as long as you have. [there's a pause] Why don't you do a test run? Move into your cousin's place for ... let's say a month. Take the time to yourself, get a little breathing room and see how you feel. If you want to move back in, move back in. But if you want to stay, then you make it a more permanent situation.

Derek: [nods, his hands slipping back down to his sides] I can do that.

Sweets: Good. [he rubs his back gently] I also think you should talk to Beckett about how what happened made you feel. Because odds are, she's feeling the same missteps you are, and trying to find that rhythm again. Maybe between the two of you, you can figure out what changed.

Derek: [nods] I can try.

Sweets: [nods] So before our next session you should talk to Laura about having your own place for a while, and talk to Beckett. And when we meet again, we'll see where we're at there.

Derek: I just hope it's enough.

Sweets: If it's not, then there are other steps we can take. There's never only one answer to every problem. That's the point of being here - to try and find what works best for you.

Derek: [nods] I just feel so smothered sometimes by everyone trying to “help.”

Sweets: [nods] When you do, it's always within your right to say no, too. And if they don't listen then that's not something you're doing wrong. That's on them.

Derek: I don't think they see it that way. In our family, when one member hurts, you kinda pile on top of them. It's something about a pack that helps the hurt member heal just from the presence of others. [he shook his head] I make a horrible werewolf sometimes.

Sweets: They may not see it that way, but if you're establishing boundaries and they're not respecting them? That's important too.

Derek: [just nods]

Sweets: [nods as well] Talk to Laura, talk to Beckett, and when we meet again on Thursday, we'll see how it went and if there is a next step to take from there.

Derek: Alright.

Sweets: [glances down at his watch] Anything else you want to talk about today?

Derek: No, I think I've offloaded enough for the day.

Sweets: Okay. I'll see you Thursday.

Derek: [and he's going to leave and go to work, going to sit at his desk for a bit and think on how he's even going to do this]

Beckett: [was doing an interview with the next of kin when she spots him at his desk and makes his way closer with a small smile. Things have been weird - she knows they have been - but she will just do everything she can to try and keep them from disconnecting completely] Hey. How was the appointment?

Derek: It was alright. Got a few bits of homework.

Beckett: Anything fun?

Derek: Just trying to figure out the mess I put myself in. [he looks up at her] You still talking to the next of kin?

Beckett: Just finished. The usual thing - no real enemies, no boyfriend. We're going to have to do a lot of leg work.

Derek: Do you want to get a coffee and talk it out to see what leads we should follow? [because he will always deflect his own needs for work. It's a bad habit in a way]

Beckett: Yeah, sure. Sounds good.

Derek: [and he's going to go with her, talking through what they knew already to try and find the first lead to follow up on]

Beckett: [yep. casework casework casework because she doesn't really know if there's anything else to talk about]

Derek: [and finally as they have their coffee and are just sitting talking, he licks his lips and looks up at her] I um... I'm not sure if I'm supposed to apologize for what happened the other day.

Beckett: [glances up and fiddles with the sleeve of her coffee cup for a moment] I just feel like we got our wires crossed. I wasn't ... I'm not sure what you think I did.

Derek: I was trying to open up to you about something. Maybe you thought it was trivial or something, but I was trying and it felt like you didn't want to know and shut the conversation down.

Beckett: I was just trying to say that you were allowed to keep some things for yourself. I know that a lot of people feel like they have to justify where their money comes from or whatever else ... I guess I was trying to say that I don't care - not about you, but your monetary worth isn't really all that important to me. I didn't realize what you were trying to do. I'm sorry.

Derek: [he nods] I don't know what's been going on lately with me. Sometimes I'm fine, and then there are days I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I don't know if I'm up or down or how to get off once I'm on it.

Beckett: PTSD can be funny that way. [she would know. she's still working on trying to get a handle on hers]

Derek: I just sometimes feel like I'm making it harder on you than I need to be.

Beckett: Derek, you've been through ... a lot. Not just in the past few months, but in general. I'm your partner, it's my job to help you, but you can't control the way you react to things any more than I can. I just need you to tell me when I hit a hot button so that we can figure it out.

Derek: I guess I'm just so used to shutting down and hiding my feelings that I don't know how to.

Beckett: [she nods] Well, that's why we're in therapy, right? To try and learn new ways of doing things?

Derek: Yeah, pretty much. But I'm sorry.

Beckett: Me too. But we're good now?

Derek: Yeah. [he looks at his coffee] Yeah, I think so.

Beckett: [nods] Okay. Good. I'm glad.

Derek: [thinks a minute] Just to be open... have I done anything lately that you want to talk to me about?

Beckett: [pauses to think for a minute, before shaking her head] That was the only thing. I think I'm good otherwise.

Derek: Okay. [deep breath and he's a bit more relaxed now] And if you feel I'm shutting down on you, let me know. I can't promise I won't snap, but remind me I gave you permission to do that.

Beckett: [nods in agreement] Got it.

Derek: [and she gets a smile] So should we go catch a bad guy now?

Beckett: Please. Let's get back to work.

Derek: [and off they go to continue to be NY's best big damn heroes]