new york wolves } { of partner bonding and raising the stakes

[killmypatience]

Derek: [and since Ryan was having ring issues and Espo had his date with Laura, Derek had pulled the paperwork straw which was fine because it meant he wasn't completely alone with the late night time]

Beckett: [wanders in after getting herself another cup of coffee and smiles a bit when she sees him at the desk] Working late?

Derek: Yeah. I guess I'm too good at paperwork these days. [looks up at her with a small smile] Why are you still here?

Beckett: [shrugs] Just catching up with a couple things on my end too.

Derek: Anything interesting?

Beckett: [shakes her head] Just old paperwork I should have taken care of a long time ago.

Derek: I'd help you, but I have like, two murders and a faked death file I'm working on. [smirks]

Beckett: [she laughs] Don't worry. I've got it.

Derek: [he's going to work a bit more] So how're things going with you?

Beckett: Pretty good. Finally feel like I'm starting to get my footing again.

Derek: [looks up with a grin] That's good. [because he knows how important that is]

Beckett: How about you?

Derek: [sighs] It's uh... a work in progress.

Beckett: [glances up with a smirk] So where are you - progress-wise?

Derek: Well... I'm um... I'm actually living in the apartment above the art studio. Alone. [nods]

Beckett: [eyebrows go up] And that's good?

Derek: Kinda? [he reached for his coffee] I mean, I can think now without having my sisters try and feel they need to cheer me up. Which I like... and miss at the exact same time.

Beckett: Well, at least this way you can go and spend time with them, but when it feels like too much, you have an excuse to leave.

Derek: Yeah, true. Which I need sometimes. But Cora thinks it's her fault and I can't figure out any other ways to tell her it's not.

Beckett: I think that's something she's going to have to figure out on her own.

Derek: [nods] I hope she does.

Beckett: But everything is okay with Laura and Malia?

Derek: Well, they miss me. And on the werewolf 101 side, it's harder because instinctually, we're a pack mentality so being apart from them, as well as their wanting to help the hurting member... it's a lot to deal with.

Beckett: [nods] But it is helping you?

Derek: Getting my head straight and actually figuring out my feelings? Yes. Sleep wise... not as much.

Beckett: Too quiet?

Derek: [thinks a moment] You know how when you go home, you have things that make you relax because it's your space? Familiar sights, scents, sounds? Everything's off at the studio. I just haven't adjusted to it as I thought I would.

Beckett: That'll come with time. Or it won't if you decide you want to move back home.

Derek: I hope so.

Beckett: I'm sure it will.

Derek: I'm actually going home for dinner tomorrow. It'll be the first time back after a week. I've stayed in touch... [and his phone buzzes with a text from Peter] … with them via phone mostly. It's going to be interesting.

Beckett: I don't think it'll be hard, though.

Derek: [shakes his head as he responds quickly] Probably not. And after the month is up, I'll figure out if I need to fully move out, or if I can float between both.

Beckett: [nods] Seems like you've got it pretty under control.

Derek: Yeah. I just wish it wasn't so hard to sleep without them.

Beckett: That'll get easier too. This is your first time living on your own, right?

Derek: Yup.

Beckett: Did you live away for school?

Derek: [shakes his head] Nah, I just was at Empire SUNY. And I only went because I needed an Associate’s degree to go into the academy.

Beckett: Well, it's natural to be nervous. When I went to Stanford I called my parents every day.

Derek: You know, Stanford's only four hours from where I grew up.

Beckett: Really?

Derek: Yeah. We lived just past LA in the mountains.

Beckett: I didn't get out of Palo Alto much.

Derek: Yeah, well I was seventeen. I didn't get out of Beacon Hills much.

Beckett: [nods] Where were you thinking about going before ... everything?

Derek: [chuckles] You'll laugh.

Beckett: Tell me.

Derek: I was actually in the middle of scout season. I was hoping to get drafted to play for UCLA's basketball team.

Beckett: So you were pretty good, huh?

Derek: Yeah. Peter was even better, but he taught me everything he knew. I pretty much eat and breathed basketball back then.

Beckett: Do you still play?

Derek: Yeah, but not on a team. I teach with Flack down at the Y.

Beckett: That sounds like fun.

Derek: It is. Up until the kids get mouthy with you and you need to remember you can't throw the ball at them too hard.

Beckett: That is the problem with kids.

Derek: Yeah. But seeing them build their confidence playing the game is worth it.

Beckett: [smiles softly] I'm sure it is.

Derek: What were you studying at Stanford anyway?

Beckett: [small smile] I was pre-law.

Derek: [nods] Sounds about right. Kate Beckett, defender of justice.

Beckett: [smirks] I wanted to be the first female chief justice.

Derek: And now?

Beckett: I love what I do.

Derek: And you're good at it. Real good

Beckett: [she nods, because she knows she is. There's just that one case, she's never managed to solve]

Derek: [smiles and goes back to his work a moment]

Beckett: [does the same, sorting through some paperwork]

Derek: [thinking. He wants to ask something, and steals one or two looks up at her, but he's a big chicken and isn't going to cross the line to ask]

Beckett: [she catches it the second time, her brow furrowing in confusion] Something on your mind?

Derek: [yeah, caught] I just... I don't know.

Beckett: You ... don't know?

Derek: [rubs at his face] I'm just thinking, that's all.

Beckett: [pulls back just slightly, trying not to frustrate him, but she still prods] About what?

Derek: I just... [he's trying to figure things out between them in the beyond partner sense. Especially since when he's alone lately, he's been not just missing his sisters, but also thinking about the times he's spent at her place] ... I think I need another coffee. You need a refill?

Beckett: [it's clear she was expecting something different, or maybe even hoping for it, but when he changes tracks, she blinks, taking a second to recover before nodding] Yeah, sure.

Derek: [he's a big, wolf shaped chicken who doesn't know how to handle his feelings, Kate. Sorry. but he will refill the espresso, having actually figured out the machine pretty well] Here you go.

Beckett: Thanks. [and with that she will take the cup and just go back to work. No pressure. All that.]

Derek: [as will he, making himself focus while answering texts from various people as it gets later]

Beckett: [takes a deep breath and nods but eventually she finishes up her work and has no more excuses to keep sitting at her desk] I think that's it for me. I should head out.

Derek: [he's almost done. Technically he could finish this tomorrow... he looks up at her with a small smile] Want me to walk you?

Beckett: [glances over with a small smile before nodding] Yeah. Sure.

Derek: [yup, he can finish it tomorrow. He's up and grabbing his jacket, finishing his coffee quickly before heading to walk with her] So do you have any plans tonight?

Beckett: [shakes her head] I was considering a very long bubble bath, but I think I stayed a little too late for that.

Derek: Well, you can have a not as long bubble bath then. [yeah, his mind is totally there]

Beckett: Very true. Not as relaxing, but could still do the job.

Derek: So do you always reward yourself with a bubble bath after catching a killer?

Beckett: When I get the chance to, yeah. I did my job and did it well - why not reward myself with a little me time.

Derek: It's a good reward system. Too bad you don't have that claw foot tub anymore.

Beckett: I salvaged that tub, actually. That thing saved my life, I figured it was probably lucky.

Derek: [laughs] Good idea. And you know where to go if you ever need it again.

Beckett: [smirks] Exactly. Especially since if Castle keeps writing those books I'll probably wind up needing it again.

Derek: You know, I'm waiting for the day that Nikki Heat gets a pet dog or something that she takes on a case with her.

Beckett: [laughs] Nah, I think he got over that when I was dating Demming in Robbery.

Derek: [his eyebrow goes up a tiny bit] But Demming wasn't your partner in crime.

Beckett: No. But I think he has enough respect for you to at least make you an actual cop.

Derek: True. [another reminder to always stay on Castle's good side]

Beckett: [yep. that's usually a good plan]

Derek: So, um... not to sound like I was doing a background check or anything, but I did keep tabs on you while I was at the crime lab. Weren't you dating some doctor at one point?

Beckett: [her mouth works for a moment before shaking her head] We split up a while ago. After I was shot.

Derek: Any real reason why, or just the flame had died?

Beckett: I ... it wasn't what I wanted.

Derek: I'm just asking. I'm trying to figure myself out, and sometimes knowing how others look at relationships helps me look at how my mind works and what I'm missing.

Beckett: [she nods] Josh was a great guy, and I liked him a lot, but it was like ... there was this disconnect there. I liked him, but I didn't like him enough.

Derek: Did you feel the disconnect before the shooting?

Beckett: Yeah. I did. But it was ... different, then. I didn't realize that I was hiding in it.

Derek: Hiding?

Beckett: Josh was safe. Good guy, good job, we both had crazy hours so it's not like we could really judge each other for cancelling dates. I liked spending time with him but I didn't ... I guess it didn't have that passion. Castle's accused me of being afraid of going after what I want, and he's not wrong.

Derek: [nods] Yeah, I get that. But at least you aren't afraid to put yourself out there.

Beckett: [a pause as she walks] Is there a silent "like me" on the end of that sentence?

Derek: [snorts, but nods] Yeah, like me.

Beckett: I wouldn't call what I was doing putting myself out there. I was going with what was easy and convenient at the time. There wasn't any ... real risk to it.

Derek: The risk at being hurt?

Beckett: Or actually losing. Josh and I broke up and it didn't really bother me.

Derek: [nods. He's not judging her at all, but trying to understand how adult relationships work in a way] Losing? I don't think I understand...

Beckett: [there's a pause as she tries to find a way to word it] You ever had a relationship where when it ended you felt like you lost a part of yourself? And I don't just mean in terms of Kate. [where he had actual losses and consequences to being with her] The relationship ended and you weren't the same for it?

Derek: [nods] Yeah. When I was fifteen. But it's a bit more of a literal sense for me.

Beckett: [eyes him for a moment] Have you ever had a relationship where you haven't lost a part of you in the process?

Derek: [thinks a moment, then just shakes his head] No.

Beckett: [okay, then she needs to explain this the other way around] When I ended things with Josh, I didn't really feel anything about me - I felt guilty for ending things, because I know that he was upset, but for me ... nothing changed. I went back to work, I went back to my life, and I didn't ... lose. No consequences.

Derek: [nods] You didn't put enough of yourself into it to make you risk losing a part of yourself.

Beckett: [nods] Because I can't. That part of me that I could offer is still tied up in my mom's case, and until I put it to rest I don't think I can ... be that person who takes those risks.

Derek: [nods] I get that. I mean... after Kate, I just told myself that was it. Every time I did, someone got hurt. Someone died. It wasn't a pattern I wanted to risk let happen a third time, you know.

Beckett: [nods] But you were a kid then. You don't think you can learn from it now?

Derek: When you spend eight years reminding yourself on a daily basis that your last girlfriend is the reason you don't have most of your family anymore... it's a bit hard to get past that.

Beckett: [she nods, because she understands the logic] That's what Sweets is for.

Derek: [nods] Yeah, that's why I'm still seeing him. Trying to work on that, and my trust issues.

Beckett: Good. Hopefully you'll figure it out.

Derek; Sometimes I just find it easier talking to you though. Not that you're my shrink, but you know what I mean, right?

Beckett: [nods a bit] Yeah, I get that. Me too.

Derek: [smiles] Like I said before, Flack can't know we think he was right, or his head will inflate.

Beckett: [laughs] I think if we just keep solving cases it will appease the beast.

Derek: Yeah, good plan.

Beckett: [nods before stopping next to the subway] Anyway, this is me. I'll see you tomorrow?

Derek: Wouldn't miss it. [she's heading uptown, he's heading downtown so different platforms] See you tomorrow.

Beckett: [she nods] See you then. [and off she goes]

Derek: [and he's going to head to his platform, and find a place where he can see on her side and make sure no one hassles her until she's on her train]