regency au } { of first kisses and unreliable feelings

[impetere]

Cora: [It's been almost a month since the situation with Sir Parrish came to a head and the wedding and for the most part Cora has been avoiding Stiles. If he happens to find her she is polite but reserved as she still isn't entirely sure what to do with this situation as a whole and while a part of her misses him, she knows that there's nothing they can do until she figures things out and she doesn't know how to figure things out which has left her running in circles. She's been confiding in Erica as of late and while Erica has some suggestions, she isn't entirely sure how to put them into practice. Today, however, she's trying not to think about it, sitting under one of the trees on the Hale property with a book and trying to read]

Stiles: [meanwhile, he hasn't really understood what happened between them, and so he's been throwing himself into his lessons with Derek and the knights. It gives him something to focus on, something to use to vent his frustration and a small band of brothers to be able to talk to when he doesn't know what to do. But he can't talk to them about the contract. That was a secret between him, Laura, Parrish and Peter. But with Cora avoiding him, he can't do much on it at the moment.

Of course, like the first time they had met, Stiles was out on a ride with Thor. He hadn't meant to intrude on her spot - he didn't know she was there at first, but more intent to get Thor to the nearby river across from where Cora was sitting in the shade of the tree. He dismounted and leaned down to get himself a drink as well before dunking his head in to cool it off from the summer heat]

Cora: [glances up at the sound of the splashing in the water and she starts when she sees it's Stiles. Part of her is inclined to run before he sees her, that fight or flight response kicking in without warning, but she manages to compose herself, genteel manners winning out over sheer instinct] Good afternoon, Lord Stilinski.

Stiles: [and yeah, he hadn't known she was there, and his head whips back, nervous. But he sees her, wiping the water off his face] Lady Cora. I'm sorry, I did not see you there. I hope I haven't disturbed you.

Cora: [there's a small smile before she shakes her head] Not at all.

Stiles: I was just taking Thor through his paces. I didn't realize how hot the summers would be up here, for how cold the winter had been.

Cora: [she nods] Yes, it gets quite warm. We tend to get the extremes on both ends.

Stiles: I am learning that. [in many ways] I haven't spoken to you since the tournament. I'm sure you've heard that your Lord Uncle has allowed me to stay on and learn about warfare from Derek since it is not something my Lord Uncle has seen in his lifetime.

Cora: I have. Peter told me before the wedding. [she stays sitting under the tree, looking up at him and she misses him, that much is clear. But she still isn't sure how to resolve this situation between them.]

Stiles: [he nods, going to pet Thor before finally having to ask] Are you going to avoid me the rest of the time I am here then? [because advice piece he got - be honest and up front about your feelings so she understands them]

Cora: [her face looks pained for a moment, before glancing down at her hands again] I don't want to. But I'm not sure I can give you the answers you seek.

Stiles: What answers do you think I'm looking for?

Cora: Any at all?

Stiles: [sighs] M'lady, it was never my intention to make you upset or nervous about me in my questions. I just... you have been the kindest woman I have ever met. There is so much to you that I want to know more. And I would hope that perhaps, if the lady is interested, that she may turn her favor on me. But if that is not what the lady wishes, I will not be insulted.

Cora: I don't know what I wish. [and that much is the truth] But your friendship is very important to me.

Stiles: As it is to me. And I do not wish to lose it, no matter what the lady decides. You will never lose mine, I swear to you that.

Cora: [and that is comforting. She trusts Stiles will keep his word and that makes the next part a little easier as she extends a hand out to him to help her up from her sitting position] I have also been told that I may not let myself be very ... receptive to things.

Stiles: [and he is going to jump over the tiny river to her side, going to take her hand and help her up] That is not my place to judge, m'lady.

Cora: [she shakes her head as she steadies herself on her feet, watching him for a moment] No, that's not ... [her voice trails off for a moment as she watches him, her face a push-pull almost as though she's at war with herself as to the right decision to make. Erica says that this is what she needs to do if she wants to know for sure, but she can't help but feel awkward at the prospect, eyes glancing over his face for a moment, before taking another step forward as she leans into him, her hands coming to rest on his shoulders as she kisses him. It's a bit of an awkward thrust and there's no real skill to it, but she at least has to try]

Stiles: [and he blinks, and then his free hand goes up to gently touch her cheek, keeping her there as his lips respond to her gently, trying to guide her a bit into how to do it. He isn't without practice at least on some part of this.]

Cora: [as he kisses her back, part of her relaxes, doing her best to follow his lead. She sets down on her feet a little more, her hands on his shoulders less of a tense grip and more just resting there for a moment]

Stiles: [his free hand goes to rest on her hip, guiding her to step a bit closer as he leans down to kiss her a bit more intently as she starts to follow and learn, savoring the feel of her lips on his]

Cora: [there's a moment when she almost forgets what she's doing, acting on instinct as she melts into him a little, letting him guide her through the motions. However, it's only almost because after a moment she's yanking back from the kiss as suddenly as it started. One hand comes up to cover her mouth as she looks at him for a moment, taking a few deep breaths as she tries to process it. Unfortunately, that doesn't really work that well, because it's another second later that she's turning on her heel and running from the scene faster than she should probably be able to in all those layers of fabric, and certainly too fast for Stiles to catch her, leaving her book behind under the tree where she left it]

Stiles: [and yeah, he's going to watch her go, and then crouch down and go to pick up her book. He will carry it back to the manor for her, going to brush down Thor before finding Erica] Your lady left this behind in the forest. Please give her my apologies.

Erica: [takes the book from him slowly, before tipping her head to the side] Did you do something wrong?

Stiles: I truly don't know, my lady. [and he looks dejected at that, before bowing and turning to go]

Erica: [okay, that's not good. She moves forward and reaches for his hand] Lord Stilinski, wait. What happened?

Stiles: [he sighs] I was just trying to tell her that I don't intend to lose our friendship, but that I would hope she would turn her favor on me. She then.... she kissed me, and then took off running scared.

Erica: [listens intently, processing that, before her head lolls backwards with a bit of an eye roll] Of course she did.

Stiles: I do wish to court her, Lady Erica. But I will not force her to. I want her to be able to choose herself, and if it is not me, then I will respect that. And I will always be her friend.

Erica: I understand, my lord. However, what I think you need to understand, that while my lady is very generous in nature and can fool the rest of the world into believing she is mature and graceful, when it comes to romantic notions, she tends to approach them with the mindset of a girl half her age.

Stiles: [nods] I assume this is the fault of Lord Whittemore?

Erica: Some. She was engaged to him since she was very young, so she's never truly been courted, or flirted with out of fear for his temper. It isn't anything you've done wrong, but her not knowing how to react.

Stiles: I just don't want her to think I'm trying to take advantage of her affections.

Erica: I doubt that. She is just more sheltered than you may realize.

Stiles: Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to be able to help her through this?

Erica: Be patient. She will come to you if you give her time.

Stiles: [nods] Well, I am here until next summer on request of my Lord Uncle to learn knightly ways and war strategy from Sir Derek.

Erica: It will not take that long.

Stiles: I hope not.

Erica: [she sighs softly before reaches for his arm gently] The feelings are there. She would not be worrying this much over it if there weren't. She just needs to be able to put a name to them.

Stiles: [he smiles a bit] That does give me some comfort, lady. Thank you.

Erica: You're welcome, my lord. [holds up the book] I will return this to her when she returns from whence she fled.

Stiles: Thank you. [and with a nod, he will take his leave and go to bathe.]

Erica: [and she will return to her room while Cora will probably ... hide in the woods for a while]

Peter: [looking at the table] Does anyone know why Lady Cora is not at the table? [fretting]

Erica: I believe she is dealing with an existential crisis, my lord. [a little more chipper than she probably should be]

Stiles: [and he is very, very quiet but looking at his hand. they are so very, very interesting]

Peter: [oh yes, that would be a clue. He looks to Laura and silently seeing if one of them should go to check on her]

Laura: [glances back to him before raising an eyebrow. Probably a good idea, but she's not sure she's the one that's best for it at the moment]

Peter: [nods, finishing up his lunch before looking at Kate] I will return shortly, my lady. Try not to cause too much trouble in my absence. [there is a small smirk there]

Kate: I make no such promises. [it has a lot less bite than it used to but enough snark was still there to consider it a jab.]

Peter: I should know better than to even ask. [he squeezed her hand, and then stood up and made his way to the forest, tracking his niece by scent]

Cora: [he will find her on her mother's bench out by the water, staring at the current as it rushes past her. She lost track of the time hours ago and has mostly been unable to bring herself to go back to the house yet]

Peter: [he makes himself known with a soft noise before his hands go to gently rest on her shoulders] Are you okay, my dear?

Cora: [she closes her eyes at the touch of his hands, fingers tightening for a moment around the edge of the bench before shaking her head] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I'll be fine.

Peter: [nods to himself, his fingers massaging her shoulders gently as he can feel her tension] Would it help to talk on it?

Cora: [she takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down but that tightness in her chest that she felt earlier still won't go away] I don't know.

Peter: Perhaps you could try and see?

Cora: [slumps forward and buries her face in her hands] I don't know what I'm doing.

Peter: [chuckling softly, going to sit on the bench next to her] That is a common feeling we all have in our lives.

Cora: I feel like an idiot.

Peter: I assure you, you are not an idiot. I do not see a jester’s hat upon you.

Cora: That doesn't make the feeling stop.

Peter: What is it that is vexing you so?

Cora: [she glances at him for a moment, and there's still the uncertainty of actually telling him. He said that she would be allowed to choose for herself, but admitting that she's been taking steps to that still feels as though she would be getting herself (and Stiles) into trouble] It's not important.

Peter: If it's upsetting you, it is important to you, and therefore important to me. [he took her hand] You can always talk to me, sweetheart. I don't have the ability to be upset at you, if that is what you fear.

Cora: [she stares down at their hands for a moment, before closing her eyes and exhaling slowly] I kissed Stiles.

Peter: [it's a lifting of his eyebrows, and then a small smile] Well, that is not something I would be upset upon. Lord Stilinski is a good man. You've always known that long before he gained his title.

Cora: [yeah, well, old habits. She makes a disgruntled face] And then I ran away from him.

Peter: Oh. [he thinks a moment] Is he that bad of a kisser? [trying to ease the tension a bit]

Cora: ... No. Not that I have had much comparison with ... just the one.

Peter: [now that was curious that she had never had affection like that from Lord Jackson.] Well... perhaps that is something you can speak to him on. See what his opinion of it was. And perhaps, if you trust him, you could learn from him.

Cora: [oh, he probably tried, but he went about it in the most lecherous way possible that she put it off for as long as she can. But at that statement, she looks up at Peter, a clearly dubious look in her face because what is that supposed to mean.]

Peter: [there is a small smile] I have seen how much that boy cares about your wellbeing since the day you asked me to purchase him, Cora. I don't believe he has it in his heart to ever let you come to harm as long as he can prevent it. If you are to have a friend you can trust with your heart in that way... if you want to have someone worthy to help you learn your affections... you no longer need my approval in making that choice. But if he is a choice... he is a good one.

Cora: [that does make some things a little easier, but she still doesn't know what she's doing] I'm sick of being confused all the time.

Peter: Then learn. You will always be confused until you put yourself in a position where you can let yourself learn and understand.

Cora: And what if I don't like what I learn? Or if I learn and it's not what he hoped for.

Peter: You won't know until you learn. And the same for him. Otherwise you will always remain feeling right what you do now, and that is not something good for either of you.

Cora: I don't want to lose my friend.

Peter: I know, sweetheart. And while I doubt a rejection will make you lose his friendship... to deny yourself you own feelings on what could grow from that friendship is done from that fear. Sometimes, the best forms of love can spring from that which is strongly rooted in friendship.

Cora: [Stiles said that she wouldn't lose him but that doesn't stop the fear from being there. She doesn't want to disappoint him or hurt him, but lately that seems like all she can do. so she stays silent for now, her eyes wandering back out to the water]

Peter: [watches her a moment, and then leans in to kiss the top of her head] Be honest with the boy. Tell him your confusions. Tell him your feelings. Let him help you sort them out, and trust him and your bond as friends that he will understand and respect your decisions.

Cora: [she closes her eyes as she leans into the gesture before nodding. She'll try. She can't promise it will go well, because she's never really been good with words, but she'll try]

Peter: Don't be afraid of love, Cora. [whispered softly against her cheek] If you find it with him... all these fears and worries will fade away.

Cora: [she can't help it. It terrifies her. It was almost easier when the choices were among men she didn't love because at least she could be logical about it. Stiles stirs something irrational and uncertain in her and she doesn't like it.]

Peter: [he will kiss her again, and then move to stand] I will leave you here to continue seeking comfort from your mother's spirit. But do come home for dinner. You will be hungry by then. [he moves over to the water and picks a flower, kissing it gently before setting it into the water. It was his way of giving his respects to his sister]

Cora: [nods, and she will, but it won't be until most of the household has retired for the evening. She's lucky the kitchen staff likes her]

Derek: [and while she's eating, someone else is hungry and have a frustrated Derek carrying Patience down into the kitchens to find her something to bite on that would soothe her baby gums. He sees Cora and give her a tired smile] The woods finally spit you back out again, pup?

Cora: [she glances up mid bite and shrugs] I lost track of time.

Derek: [nods, accepting that answer as he opens the cold chest to see if there is anything there for Patience] As long as you found your way home before I had to send an escort to bring you back...

Cora: Peter knew where I was.

Derek: I think we all did. There is one spot we all gravitate to when we are lost in our own heads and need to find peace. [he looks at Patience] I'm almost tempted to go there myself now, yes I am.

Cora: [laughs, before gesturing for him to hand her her niece] She giving you trouble?

Derek: [hand her to his sister] Her mouth is warm, and I can feel her fangs on my finger. She also is drooling more than Sir Isaac does in Lady Allison's presence. I wanted to see if there was something cold she could bite upon to feel better.

Cora: [shifts to cradle her so that Patience's back is resting against her chest and she's sitting on her lap] Have you spoken to Dr. Deaton about it?

Derek: I have. He said it is normal and just that she is teething and that something to chew on will help relieve the pressure, and cool water for the gums.

Cora: And soon she will be able to bite you for real.

Derek: Something I am so looking forward to. [sighs, finally finding a thick slice of flatbread and he walks over to give it to her.] Melissa said that either a cold cloth, or a slide of flatbread would give her something to chew on that won't break up much in her mouth for her to choke on. I hope this helps her.

Cora: [Patience takes it from him and shoves it on her mouth, gnawing on the piece of bread as she leans back against her aunt] Looks like it's working.

Derek: Thank God. [goes and sits next to Cora]

Cora: At least she was mostly well behaved while Lady Elena was here.

Derek: There is that. I have been debating on if it would be better to leave her here when I go to visit Lady Elena in her homeland.

Cora: I'm sure we will be able to manage while you're gone.

Derek: I know. I just know I will be worried about her. [gone was the wolf who was afraid of being a father, replaced with a father afraid to leave his child for an extended period of time]

Cora: How long will you be there?

Derek: I'm still working that out. She wants me to see her lands as well, and I want to learn about this animal problem that her village experiences and see if I can help end.

Cora: Well, I suppose we will have to see when the time comes.

Derek: [thinks a moment] Do you like her, Cora? Lady Elena, I mean?

Cora: [she nods with a small smile] I do. She's a good match for you.

Derek: Good. [smiles] I think, if this visit goes well, I will ask her if she will marry me. There will still be some time before it will happen, but I really don't want to lose her.

Cora: I hope she says yes.

Derek: So do I. [chuckles] I never thought I would want to be married, but now, with her it's all I want. Amazing how you can change your mind like that, isn't it?

Cora: [nods, keeping her focus on Patience for a bit]

Derek: [sees that] everything okay?

Cora: Fine. [not really]

Derek: [snorts] You realize I know you better than that, right?

Cora: [she glances up with a look, before turning back to Patience again] Just something I am trying to figure out.

Derek: [nods a moment] You know, a typical trait we all share is that we all overthink everything we do. I'm as guilty of it as everyone else, and the face you're wearing makes me think you're doing it right now.

Cora: I just don't want to make the wrong choice.

Derek: That I can't help you with. Except to remind you that when you do... it's not the end of the world. Even wrong choices can be fixed.

Cora: [her face falters for a moment and she shakes her head] Not this one. Not if I do it wrong.

Derek: Well, what are you thinking of doing?

Cora: [she pauses, letting Patience's hand wrap around her finger] Possibly ... allowing Stiles to court me.

Derek: Oh, wow. [he thinks a moment] Well, you know... I think that would be a good match for you.

Cora: And what if he is not? Or what if I'm not? Or if I don't feel for him the way he does for me in the end?

Derek: [laughs] Oh pup... that's what courtship is all about. You can't know those things until you dive into it. You try, and you let yourself go and try and see what you can make of it. And if it doesn't work... then you tell the boy how you feel and that you would rather remain friends. It may hurt him, but I think he will recover if so. And perhaps he will not feel the same and do it to you. But you have to step into water to learn to swim... and you have to court in order to learn to love.

Cora: I don't want to hurt him. He's had enough of that.

Derek: If he's already wanting to court you, Cora... he's showing you that he's willing to take the risk. But remember, you're the lady - we can court, but you decide how fast and how far it goes. And I don't see Peter signing you to marry him, so I think he knows you well enough that he doesn't want to force anything on you.

Cora: I also have no idea what to do.

Derek: Well, I will tell you the secret to that. [he leans in close] There are no rules on what to do. You make it up as you go along.

Cora: I'm not very good at that.

Derek: No, you haven't tried it. Anything you did with Jackson doesn't count in this. Jackson was a snake and didn't deserve you at all. This is your choice, your rules to make, and your heart. As long as you let yourself listen to it…you heart will guide you.

Cora: [and she's quiet again, keeping her focus on Patience]

Derek: [small smile] You knew there was something special about Stiles when you met him. Your heart said something to you then. You followed it, and look what you've given him. I think you already care for him a great deal more than you give yourself credit for.

Cora: I was just protecting my friend.

Derek: And then bringing him here. Giving him a real purpose. Searching across Europe for his father and then taking him there...

Cora: He deserved to see his family

Derek: Of course. But those feelings? The protectiveness... and wanting him to have family again... purpose... those stem from your heart. Not just a set of rules. If you only followed the rules, you wouldn't have talked to the stable boy in the first place. He was below your station.

Cora: I don't care about the rules.

Derek: Exactly. Then why are you worried about not knowing how to be courted when you don't follow the rules if they did exist anyway?

Cora: I didn't say I didn't know the rules. I said I didn't know what to do.

Derek: And Do being a set path, instructions, or rules to follow.

Cora: No, do being whether it's really what I want.

Derek: Then stop overthinking it. Do you want to see what love could be with him, or do you not want his affections?

Cora: I don't know! [her voice rose sharply for a moment and Patience made a fussy noise and she sighs before passing her off to Derek] Erica said I should kiss him to figure it out and I did, and now I'm twice as confused as before.

Derek: [takes his daughter back and rocks her gently] And I think the fact you're confused after kissing him is a sign that you do want more. If you didn't, you wouldn't be confused.

Cora: How does that even work?

Derek: You wouldn't have felt anything when you kissed him. Or you would have felt like you were kissing me. [chuckles] Trust me, there have been girls I've kissed where I felt like I was kissing Laura and that is the first sign that it is not going to move further along.

Cora: And why can't I just know one way or the other. Why does there need to be this in-between?

Derek: Because love isn't instantaneous. You do need to work for it, to blossom from interest into love. Like I'm doing with Elena.

Cora: No, I know that. [she sighs as she buries her face in her hands] But why can't I know that it's something I want. I don't want to love him in an instant, I just want to know if this is the right thing.

Derek: [he's quiet a moment] That’s something you can't find in deep thought, or in your head at all, Cora. Only your heart knows the answer. You need to listen to your feelings and see what they tell you.

Cora: My feelings are notoriously unreliable.

Derek: what makes you believe that?

Cora: Because ... [she makes a face] ... They change, and when it's for the worst it feels like I can't be anything else.

Derek: Feelings can change... what change made you feel that way about them?

Cora: [focuses for a moment before glancing away, not really wanting to say it out loud]

Derek: Jackson?

Cora: [shakes her head, before quietly whispering] Mother.

Derek: [shifting Patience to one arm, he wrapped the other around her shoulder] Why do you feel your feelings to mother are the worst?

Cora: No, that's not ... [she huffs a breath] ... When she died .... I couldn't breathe. I was sad for weeks, even when I didn't want to be anymore and I can't make decisions based on things like that. Not when I'm .... [a mess]

Derek: Cora, you weren't the only one. That was our mother... our alpha... dying. We all felt it. It hurts... and it still does to all of us. But that is different than this. I promise you.

Cora: He's human, Derek. What if it's not.

Derek: Are you afraid of what you'll feel if he dies, Cora... or just to feel anything?

Cora: [she just stays quiet at that, glancing down at her hands. In some ways Jackson was easier. She didn't love him, she didn't have to care about him, she just had to marry him]

Derek: [he sighs, then looks at Patience] A few months ago, I was kneeling at our parent's grave, scared for my future because a tiny baby was left at the door with my name as father. You came and spoke comfort to me, Cora, and assured me that I could do the thing that I felt was not in me to do. That I was not ready for. And you right... I never would have seen me being like this with Patience. But you had faith in me. And I have faith in you. You can't predict the future. You can't let yourself be afraid to try something like this, because then you may miss the best thing you could ever have in your life out of fear that you can't do it.

Cora: Why can't I just be fine like this?

Derek: You could be. But if this is what you want... then you need to tell him that you don't want his affections. Because it's not fair to him to want to love you more when you don't want it. He needs to know that he will need to look elsewhere for a wife.

Cora: I know.

Derek: And you will have to be okay with the fact knowing that he will be loving another, having children and moving on with his life away from you, and you will only ever see him at tournaments, or if he comes to call on us. And his wife my not take well to you coming to call on him.

Cora: I know.

Derek: [sighs] But this is a talk you should have with him. Because I have seen how he looks at you, Cora. He wants to be the one to love you.... if you let him. [and with Patience having fallen back asleep finally, he moves to get up and keep rocking her gently] And of all the lords and knights I know of.... he is the one most worthy of it. And that is coming from the brother who growls at every boy who has tried to earn your favor since you were seven.

Cora: [she huffs a laugh at that before nodding]

Derek: [leans down to kiss her forehead] And hey, if you decide never to marry, you will have enough nephews and nieces to play nurse and tutor to.

Cora: [laughs] I think I can handle that.

Derek: And now, I'm going to get this little one to sleep. I will see you in the morning.

Cora: Good night, Derek.

Derek: [And off he will go back to his room to put Patience back in her crib, and then off to finish writing his weekly letter to Elena]

Cora: [and she will finish in the kitchen, and probably go back outside again because she doesn't want to be indoors right now]