canon au } { post-1403, of lindworms and finding your place

[makesomethingup]

Michael: [is up doing research on a job for one of the hunters, so when Ben wanders in, he glances up just long enough to make sure it's him before asking] Ever heard of a Lindworm?

Ben: [blinks out of his thoughts and looks at Michael] Isn't that some type of dragon?

Michael: Fuck if I know but apparently Rogers ran into one on the way back from the last hunt. He needs to know how to kill it.

Ben: Chopping off its head usually works.

Michael: Duly noted. [and he's still going to do some research because he thinks he saw something about a mate being mentioned, but he'll come back to that later] You good, dude?

Ben: Yeah, fine. [totally not] You?

Michael: I'm fine. I'm just wondering because ever since Dean's been back you've been weird.

Ben: Yeah, well it's more that I'm just feeling like a fifth wheel. [he'll sit across from Michael] I'm thinking of heading back with Linds to the Hills.

Michael: Okay. [he doesn't sound surprised, like he almost figured it was coming]

Ben: [is quiet a moment, then] You want a beer? I'm going to go get one.

Michael: Sure. Is this a talking beer or a just because beer? [because he's being weird]

Ben: [he stands, pausing for a moment] Bit of both?

Michael: Okay. [and he'll shuffle his research to the side and wait for the beer to come back]

Ben: [and he'll return and hold one to Michael as he sits] You know, it's been years now since we got here. Or at least it feels like it.

Michael: Here this earth or here after Dean got grabbed? Because if it's the former, then yes. There's a literal child to prove it. [Joy is around three at least at this point]

Ben: This Earth. [Ben took a long sip] You and Sam seem to get along well.

Michael: Yeah, we figured it out. I mean, there were rough spots at first but when you have to work together, you learn to either deal or adjust.

Ben: And Bela's finally come around too.

Michael: Yeah, she has. [he sips his beer as he tries to figure out where this is going]

Ben: I'm happy for you. And Liv. All this, it's a life I could never give you two.

Michael: We weren't asking you to, you know.

Ben: I know. But after Dean died, then your mom... you two were mine to take care of. You don't know how many times I worried that I was going to fuck up.

Michael: And you didn't.

Ben: No, I didn't. And while I'm not either of your parents, I'm still really proud of who you and Liv grew up to be.

Michael: We're proud of you too man. You're basically a real boy again.

Ben: [chuckles] Yeah, I try. But sometimes, when we're here with everyone... I don't know. I just feel like the way I look at the business isn't how Sam and Dean want to run it, and maybe it's best if I just get out of the game completely.

Michael: What do you mean?

Ben: You've got a good relationship with Sam and Bela going. But when I'm here, it's like I'm this awkward creature no one knows how to deal with. Sam just finds ways to keep me busy so he doesn't have to figure me out, and Dean... I don't even know anymore.

Michael: What happened with you and Dean?

Ben: He just, he acts like I'm something he just has to deal with most of the time. Keeps me at more than an arm’s length. Then there are moments where he throws some curveball of emotion in my direction that I don't understand how he could have if he acts like he doesn't even want me here.

Michael: You treated him the same way, dude, when we first got here. Him giving you space doesn't mean he doesn't care, he just thinks that's what you want.

Ben: I know I was an asshole when I got here. I mean, it's in the DNA. But what kid doesn't want to know their father?

Michael: [he considers quietly for a moment, before shrugging] I'm sure there are some out there that don't. I think he wanted to give you the choice. Not force a relationship on you. And when you moved out to Beacon Hills, I think he took that as your choice. I'm sure it would have been different if you were twelve but you aren't man. You're a grown ass adult, so I think he expected you to use your words.

Ben: I left because I felt I wasn't wanted. Lindsay at least wanted me.

Michael: [there's a flicker on his face because Michael always wanted Ben there. But he knows that this isn't really about him, this is about Sam and Dean] Look, man ... I don't know what you're looking for. If you're looking for Dean to snap his fingers and turn into your dad, it doesn't work that way. Me and Sam got to where we are because we worked at it. We talked to each other. We did the work together. You need to decide if you want to do the work or not, and if you do, you have to tell Dean that. You have to put in the work. And that means not just leaving when you feel like it doesn't work. [he shrugs] At the same time, if you want to be with Lindsay, go be with Lindsay. Having a relationship with Dean and being in Beacon Hills aren't mutually exclusive things.

Ben: [he knows that. But Liv was starting her long trips away and Michael was getting to know Molly at that time, which didn't help.] I don't know if I can tell Dean that.

Michael: Why not?

Ben: [he looks at the table, feeling so stupid. Childish] I don't think I could handle it if he said he didn't want that kind of relationship. I've already lost my mom, and my own dad. If I put myself out there again and get shot down...

Michael: [he takes a deep breath and another swig of his beer] Then don't. It's your choice. But for what it's worth, I don't think he would.

Ben: [nods, thinking on it a bit] You know, what I said before about not feeling wanted - I didn't mean you in that. Or Liv.

Michael: I know.

Ben: Good. Because end of day, I'll burn the world down if it means you're safe and happy.

Michael: Please don't. I'm good.

Ben: Good. [and he will finish up his beer] So, Lindworm?

Michael: Yeah. Apparently they usually come in pairs and my guy only saw one

Ben: Which could mean a nest somewhere.

Michael: Yeah, so he needs to be careful.

Ben: And probably bring a flame thrower.

Michael: I have to figure out if fire works first.

Ben: You keep plugging away there, I'll go look for a book. [and get them refills]

Michael: Sounds good. [and they'll research the night away on Lindworms and other creepy crawlies]

Ben: [yup, until he wanders back towards his bedroom]

Lindsay: [stirs a bit as he does] Where'd you go?

Ben: Needed to work out a few things in my head [slides back into bed] Ended up helping Mikey on a case.

Lindsay: [rolls over to face him] Everything okay?

Ben: Yeah, it was just a Lindworm. Beheading and fire. Easy answers.

Lindsay: I meant about the thing in your head.

Ben: Oh. [lays on his back] It's just about Dean and me.

Lindsay: Has something happened since he's been back?

Ben: I tried to talk to him. Didn't go well. Like usual.

Lindsay: Didn't go well in what way?

Ben: Just checking on him. I spent months trying to find him with Sam, I had to make sure he was really ok. Then I made the mistake of saying that he should have let me take on Michael. I spent most of my life doing that. He got angry, we fought.

Lindsay: I mean ... I could have told you that one, babe.

Ben: I know. It was stupid. But then he said something I wasn't expecting. He said that there's no version of the future which has me dying before him.

Lindsay: That surprised you?

Ben: Yeah. I mean, I know I'm not the easiest to get along with, but he's always kept me at arm’s length. I figured it was just because he didn't want to deal with me beyond just me being there and acknowledging my existence.

Lindsay: Dean's like that with most people. That doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Ben: I know. But... ever since the djinn, something changed in me. Mikey and Liv have their mom and dad back in their lives, have stable relationships... and I've got them and you. But I can't ever see my mom, and Dean... [he rubs at his eyes. stupid dust]

Lindsay: Do you want a relationship with him?

Ben: I do. I really think I do. But I’ve fucked it all up, Linds. [yup, he's silently crying]

Lindsay: [curls in closer to comfort him] I don't think you have.

Ben: [leans into her. He hates when he gets this way. Stupid emotions] I don't know. I feel like every time we talk, it's like juggling hand grenades.

Lindsay: Well, you both are ... pretty strong personalities. But ninety percent of the people who love Dean don't get along with him all the time. And he'll forgive a lot, as long as you haven't done something dumb like murder Sam.

Ben: Not in this reality.

Lindsay: Exactly. So you're fine. Look, it's not all on you to have perfect behavior. Dean pushes people's buttons professionally, especially when he's in a pissy mood.

Ben: Yeah, I know. Who do you think I learned it from?

Lindsay: [shifts to rest her chin on her chest] Can I ask you something?

Ben: Sure.

Lindsay: Did you honestly think he would be okay with letting you take Michael?

Ben: He let Sam take Lucifer.

Lindsay: Yeah, but that was only because he couldn't take Lucifer himself.

Ben: And he knows I can handle angel grace and fight against it.

Lindsay: That isn't a pro, in his opinion.

Ben: It should be.

Lindsay: It's not. It's just an example of how he's already failed you, and he's not going to risk it happening again.

Ben: [just nods]

Lindsay: Look, you and Dean are a lot alike. You've been through a lot of the same things. He's never going to be the perfect dad you saw in that world. But I have a feeling he'll try if you let him.

Ben: I don't want that Dean. He was too perfect. It wouldn't be real.

Lindsay: Do you want this one?

Ben: I do. I know I've been a jerk, and I can't fix that.

Lindsay: I don't think it's really about fixing it. I think it's more about acknowledging that you want it to change.

Ben: I've been trying to change. I don't let my survivalist side give me the first answers anymore.

Lindsay: I've noticed. But you do spend most of your time in Beacon Hills, so Dean might not be as aware.

Ben: I stay there because that's where you are. [he'll hold her a bit closer]

Lindsay: I'm not complaining about that. Nor am I saying that you should not be there. I'm just saying Dean might need some more direct communication to know that things have changed.

Ben: Yeah...

Lindsay: I know the Winchester boys aren't good at using their words, but ... if this is really what you want, sometimes you have to take the first step.

Ben: I just have to figure out the right words to use.

Lindsay: [she nods] You will. Take your time.

Ben: Think we could delay going back for a few days? Or I could be a few days behind you if you need to get back to work.

Lindsay: I'll check with the sheriff in the morning. I probably have to head back, but stay as long as you need to.

Ben: Thanks. [and he will lean over to kiss her]

Lindsay: [kisses him back] Anytime. Sleep now?

Ben: Yeah, I think I can sleep.

Lindsay: Good. [and with that she will curl up and try to pass back out again]