canon au } { post-1403, of catching up and moving forward

[hasperkynipples]

Ben: [when he had gotten the text from Sam that he and Dean were on their way back, Ben knew he needed to prepare for this talk with Dean. He had no idea how to fucking do this, but he needed to figure it out. Which is why he's reading blog posts on how to connect with parents as an adult. His reading level had improved dramatically since Lydia had started tutoring him, and he was keeping it up as best he could while in the bunker.

But he just wanted to find a way to open that door, but not to make it awkward or some shit like that. Either way, he's rubbing at his face and listening to music on his laptop when they get back]

Dean: [glides in as per usual, dropping his stuff in the proper places with a sigh] We miss anything while we were gone?

Ben: Cass, Jack and one of the hunters were working on breaking a witch’s curse on a local, but Jack figured it out and saved the girl. Otherwise, no, it's actually been quiet.

Dean: Yeah? Good for Jack.

Ben: It did a lot to help boost his confidence. He's good at the detective side of the hunt.

Dean: Maybe we should start diverting him there a bit.

Ben: It's a good plan. But probably encouraging him to strengthen the skill than making him think it's all he's good for.

Dean: Noted.

Ben: [and he will shut his laptop] How was your hunt?

Dean: [deep breath] Well, the spear does hurt Michael. But it's probably better in Kaia's hands for now.

Ben: Kaia?

Dean: The other Kaia. It's a long story.

Ben: Does it resemble mine, Mikey and Liv's story?

Dean: Yep, it's adjacent to that.

Ben: [nods, then leans back in his seat] So what next?

Dean: Don't know. But we also now know that Michael is using his grace to juice up monsters.

Ben: So those corpses we found while looking for you was his trial and error victims, huh?

Dean: Yep.

Ben: Wonderful.

Dean: But at least we know what we're dealing with now. They may be harder to kill, but they still die.

Ben: Fire or cutting off heads. One always works except against hydras.

Dean: Pretty much.

Ben: [and he knows he's avoiding it, so he thinks a moment before looking up.] You, um... can we talk?

Dean: [glances over and he's surprised but shrugs] Sure.

Ben: Did Linds tell you why I stayed here instead of going back with her?

Dean: Nope.

Ben: I've been thinking about what you said the other day. About there being no reality where I die before you.

Dean: Oh. [this is an actual talk. okay] What about it?

Ben: [he thinks a moment, his leg bouncing under the table] That's the first time you've actually said something like that to me, with that kind of emotion behind it.

Dean: Is it?

Ben: Yeah [nods] I wasn't expecting that... from you.

Dean: [well, that's ... fair] I guess not. [he shrugs] It's not really my thing.

Ben: Unless it's Sam. or Cass.

Dean: Yeah, well, they're usually the ones being dumbasses trying to get themselves killed on a regular basis.

Ben: Oh, I know. I've used that tone on Mikey and Liv many times before... we got here.

Dean: Yeah. [he shifts again, before shrugging] ... I'm gonna be honest and say I'm not sure what you're looking for here, Ben.

Ben: [time to lay it on the table. He takes a deep breath] When I first got here, I know I was an asshole to pretty much everyone. People kept telling me I'd get used to it and, for the most part, I'm finally getting it together. But that first year... i was scared. More scared than I ever felt in my life. I didn't know how to talk to people. I mean, hell, I'd been raising those two punks for the last ten plus years when I'm not that much older than them. And suddenly I don't have anything to protect them from, and I didn't know how to process that, and a lot of the time it came out as anger.

Dean: I never held that against you.

Ben: I appreciate that. But between that, and then me leaving to Beacon Hills... when you got possessed, I didn't realize how much it would hurt to think about losing you.

Dean: [nods but ... not really sure what to say]

Ben: It took me awhile to separate you from the Dean in my world... but I never hated him, really. I just... I wanted to be a good son. And then, after the djiin and seeing a perfect world, I don't want that either. It's not who we are.

Dean: Djinn are assholes like that.

Ben: Yeah, tell me about it. But I... You never really gave me any indication you wanted that kind of relationship with me, so I just hid behind my sarcasm and gave you distance. Took my first excuse to get away so you didn't have to deal with my presence. [deep breath] It was the only way I felt I could be a good son to you.

Dean: [oh, this is the part where he really does have to say something, isn't it? He makes a face before leaning back against the counter. In all honesty, it was mostly him not trying to get his hopes up. Every time he's inched closer to any Ben in the past, it's always gone wrong] I don't need you to be a good son. [okay that probably wasn't the best place to start, but he spent his entire life trying to be the good son and it never really got him anywhere] I never had any choices, Ben. Even if I was better at stuff like this, I wouldn't have stopped you from leaving. Not if that was what you wanted.

Ben: [yeah, that first line has him looking at the table] I'm no expert at stuff like this. I'm just trying to 'use my words' as I'm constantly told. [he looks back up at Dean] I wanted it, but it was also because I was having a hard time watching Mikey and Liv with Sam and Bela, and feeling like I wasn't wanted.

Dean: I'm not really good at this either. [he shrugs] Look, I don't always have a lot to give. I'm an asshole on a good day. And who knows where this Michael bullshit is going to end. But if you're okay with all that, then ... whatever you want, Ben.

Ben: [and you get the puppy face, Dean. The look you can't see but give when something good happens and you're happy but afraid it isn't real] It's why I stayed. Because as much as I love Lindsay... you're my father. And this is a family business. I'll get my time with her soon, but right now I want to be here. For you. And maybe finally figure us out in the process?

Dean: [nods, and swallows hard] Yeah. Okay.

Ben: [and he smiles] Good.

Dean: Good. [points towards his room] I'm gonna crash. It was a long drive. But ... I'll see you later?

Ben: Yeah. I'll be here.

Dean: [nods, and heads off to collapse into bed for a while]

Ben: [and he'll probably do the same, sending Linds a text that so far so good]

Lindsay: Good! Good luck. [and a heart emoji]

Ben: Going to bed. Night. Love you.

Lindsay: Love you too.