canon au } { post-911: first born

[enjoythe_ride]

Bela: Do you want me to leave then?

Sam: I don't know what I want.

Bela: Well, you can't go back to the bunker, not right now. So you can come home with me, or you can find a motel somewhere - it's your choice. [she's buttoning down her feelings because she hates that he's lumping her in with Dean on this, but she'll be damned if she shows it. She's got enough pride for that much, at least.]

Sam: I just think I need some time. Catch up with the world and rest. [He sighs, feeling so weak at the moment. He is just too confused and there are months of memories trying to make themselves known]

Bela: [she sighs as she softens a bit, before taking a step closer] Then come with me. It's the safest place you can be right now.

Sam: [he looks at her, and he wants to go. He wants to just go with her so badly and pretend it's all a bad dream.]

Bela: [she reaches forward and takes his hand gently] Be angry with me all you like. I probably deserve some of it. But at least be where you'll be safe. [and that way, when he's ready to forgive her, she'll be close at hand.] Please, Sam.

Sam: [he looks at her hand with his, and his thumbs goes to rub the back of her hand with a fondness she probably hasn't felt in awhile now] Okay. It'll be easier for Cas to find us that way anyway.

Bela: [she smiles a bit, giving his hand a squeeze as she tugs him towards her car.] I am sorry for my part in it. [even if Dean didn't really give her much of a choice.]

Sam: I believe you. Things are just fuzzy. [looks over at Cas and nods at him, knowing the angel had to overheard them]

Bela: [nods] Let's just go home for now, and we'll figure out the rest.

Sam: Okay. I'm probably going to sleep for most of the drive if you don't mind.

Bela: [she nods] Of course.

Sam: [he looked up at her, then let his hand run along her cheek.] I don't know how long it's been since you heard it... but I love you. Just so you know. Even being mad isn't going to change that.

Bela: [she smiles a bit at that, before leaning in to kiss him softly.] I missed you.

Sam: [he kissed her back, then rested his head against her forehead.] And I think I'm about to pass out...

Bela: [she nods as she pulls back to start the car] Sleep. I'll drive.

Sam: Okay. Wake me up if you need anything from me.

Bela: [nods as she puts the car into gear] Just get some rest.

[They make it back to New York, and Sam passes out on the couch with a book. Bela tries to wake him up, but he doesn’t want to be disturbed so she leaves him there to wake up with a neck ache and a grace removal hangover.]

Sam: [stirs] I smell coffee.

Bela: Right in front of you.

Sam: [blinks eyes awake, then squints] Damn my head hurts.

Bela: [is sitting across from him with a cup of tea] Yes, well. I don't think that procedure was meant to be easy on you.

Sam: [sits up, then groans and rubs at his neck to work out the kink in it] Nothing's ever easy anymore.

Bela: I tried to wake you, but you seemed quite determined to stay right where you were.

Sam: It was a long day.

Bela: It was.

Sam: [picks up his coffee and takes a long sip. He looks up at her, then sighs] I'm sorry.

Bela: [raises and inquisitive eyebrow] For?

Sam: Cas mentioned about how maybe Winchesters can change. And I keep going back to how I've tried so hard to for you... and keep snapping back.

Bela: [nods slowly] I never asked you to change, Sam. [just less of a death wish may be nice]

Sam: I know. But it can't be easy on you sometimes.

Bela: I know the job. I knew what I was getting into. It's the fact that in some moments you seem to be completely suicidal that worries me. [there's a beat] It's one thing to be dead and wish to stay that way, I won't begrudge you that. But being fine and doing something dangerous just because you think it will balance some kind of cosmic scale? That's what worries me.

Sam: [has been looking at his coffee the whole time] I did a lot of bad things when I was soulless, Bela. Same with when I was addicted to demon blood, and I let Lucifer out of his cage. Sometimes I just think it would have been better if Dean never made that deal to bring me back when Jake killed me. Ever since then, I just can't do anything right.

Bela: Being soulless was not your fault. And it could have been worse. [she reeled him back from quite a few bad life choices if she remembers correctly] And you think I've been perfect? We all make mistakes, Sam. Even ones that get people hurt. If you never forgive yourself, they'll destroy you.

Sam: What happens when you don't think you deserve to be forgiven?

Bela: [she watches him for a moment before pushing up to move around to his side of the table] Then you find someone who will do it for you.

Sam: [just looks up at her, all puppy eyes because he's been beating himself up hard the last few days]

Bela: [she moves closer, sliding into his lap and one hand comes up to brush against her face] I forgive you.

Sam: [he bites on his lower lip as he leans to rest his head against hers] For forcing you to live this life with me?

Bela: For thinking that you forced me.

Sam: They brought you back to guide me. You didn't have to stay. I wouldn't have blamed you...

Bela: I stayed because I wanted to stay. You honestly think I would have stuck through all of this if I didn't?

Sam: No, but in those early days...

Bela: In those early days, I had nowhere else to go. And you took care of me as much as I took care of you - not the same as now, but I trusted you then, and I trust you now.

Sam: [he nods, his eyes looking in hers] You mean the world to me. You know that, right?

Bela: [she nods] I do.

Sam: [takes a minute] I just worry you're going to end up hurt because of me.

Bela: One, I can take care of myself. You know that. Two, if I do get hurt - that doesn't necessarily mean it's because of you.

Sam: Yeah, I know. I just... I worry.

Bela: I know. But don't let it consume you.

Sam: I'm also afraid, honestly. That we're not going to survive this war.

Bela: Physically, you mean?

Sam: Yeah.

Bela: That's always a possibility.

Sam: I don't want to go back to hell. [one of the major reasons he has the whole evening things out fears] I really don't want to go back there, Bela.

Bela: [her face softens slightly. There's nothing they can do to control that. All she can do is pull him closer and let him lean on her.] We'll figure it out.

Sam: [just buries his face in her neck, trying not to shake]

Bela: [holds him close, letting her fingers slide through his hair gently]

Sam: If the gates are closed... can souls even go to heaven right now?

Bela: That will be an excellent question for Metatron when we find him.

Sam: [nods and sits back up a bit] And to find him, we need to find Gadreel.

Bela: We do. The spell was a dead end, but there is probably another way, if we dig deep enough.

Sam: Guess that means I need to get back to work, huh?

Bela: Mmm. Might have to make a few phone calls too.

Sam: Break out your old Ouija board?

Bela: Not the calls I was thinking of, but I can, if you think it would help.

Sam: if you have a friend behind the gate, they can maybe feed us intel on what's happening up there.

Bela: Possibly. I'll see what I can do.

Sam: Good. You never know where we may get a break.

Bela: [she nods. And she'll call Dean if Sam won't.]

Sam: [nope, still stubborn about all of that]

Bela: [yeah, she figured.] Better?

Sam: Somewhat. I think I need to take a shower.

Bela: [nods] I'll start digging.