spamalot } { of four year-olds and awkward table talk

[impetere]

[And there is a disaster where Dina takes the PG mate bond talk that Cora gave her and tries to apply it in real life with Ryan. Scott is less than pleased.]

Scott: I'm not supposed to have to worry about this stuff for another fifteen years, guys.

Cora: I'm so sorry.

Stiles: Hey, at least it was only on her arm.

Dina: He bit me in the wrong place? RYAN YOU DID IT WRONG! [storms back out]

Scott: Oh my god, Stiles stop her.

Stiles: [and is getting up from the dinner table and bolting into the other room]

Cora: [is just going to ... faceplant into the table]

Allison: [sighs softly] At least my dad isn't here.

Liam: [looks at Derek] What's with the biting?

Derek: [yup, that's the look over at his sister because thank you.]

Cora: [yep her head lifts about an inch and then drops again]

Isaac: Well, if you really want to know, it's a thing you do when you've found the girl, or guy, that you want to be with...

Derek: [eyebrows up at Isaac]

Isaac: Hey, if you're not going to tell him...

Derek: This is not something we should be discussing at the dinner table.

Cora: I agree.

Liam: How come a four year old can know about this stuff but I can't?

Derek: I'll explain it later. At home. Where you can ask questions after without everyone listening.

Liam: .... Oh. It's that kind of talk.

Cora: Yeah. Again. Sorry.

Liam: Why are you talking about sex with a four year old anyway, Aunt Cora?

Derek: [rubbing at his eyes]

Cora: [.... facepalm] She doesn't know about that part. She just thinks it's like a wedding ring.

Liam: Oh.

Peter: [nope, is just highly amused at all this]

Cora: [she sees that. You suck Uncle Peter.] But we didn't want her to think that I was ... [you know.] We had to explain that it was a good scar versus a bad scar.

Scott: Well, I mean that part I get. But still.

Stiles: [returns] Okay, I think I have got it solved. I told both kids that they can get married, but they can't do the biting marriage until they are eighteen or it doesn't work. That should stop it for now.

Allison: Good thing Ryan doesn't have his real teeth yet.

Stiles: Yeah, pretty sure she wouldn't like him biting her on the arm then. [goes to sit back down]

Cora: [and her hand his finding his under the table] Again. Sorry.

Stiles: Hey, at least it happened here and not at preschool.

Scott: Oh god, I already have enough notes from his teacher about things, I don't need him to start going around biting the girls he says are his girlfriend.

Cora: [laughs a bit] How many girlfriends does Ryan have, exactly?

Scott: [thinks] .... Six? [looks to Allison]

Stiles: Well you know, he's married now, Scott. He's going to have to stop that.

Allison: Seven if we count Cynthia Whittemore. [there's a beat] Oh, by the way Jackson moved back.

Cora: ... Seriously?

Allison: [she shrugs] Apparently she and Ryan hit it off.

Stiles: When did Jackson move back?

Scott: When did Jackson get married?

Allison: At the start of the spring semester and ... I'm not sure when exactly? But he met her in London. Her name is Madeline, she's actually rather lovely.

Stiles: Has she mellowed him out at all?

Allison: A little. He seems happy.

Scott: Well, happy is good. What's he doing anyway, job wise? [may be worried at losing his coaching opportunity]

Allison: Attorney, like his dad.

Scott: Oh good, so he won't have time to like, coach lacrosse.

Isaac: [looks at Malia] Maybe you should reach out to him?

Malia: [eyebrow raise] To Jackson? Why?

Isaac: Well, he's a lawyer, and you're a lawyer... you could talk about lawyery things.

Malia: [is highly skeptical] We weren't even friends back then. The only reason I ever interacted with him was ... [beat] ... has anyone told Lydia that Jackson is back and married?

Scott & Stiles: We just found out ourselves. [both look at Allison]

Allison: [hesitates] I was working up to it.

Cora: Someone better tell her soon before she accidentally bumps into him.

Stiles: Yeah, 'specially since dad told me there's a deputy at the station that has been asking questions about her.

Isaac: [laughs] Oh, you mean Parrish? He’s harmless.

Cora: [eyebrows go up] Asking what kinds of questions?

Isaac: Just wanting to know who she was, why the other guys think she's crazy, things like that.

Cora: What'd you tell him?

Isaac: Well, I told him she's not crazy, she just.... hears things and they lead her to dead bodies sometimes. [rubs his neck]

Cora: ..... And how'd that go over?

Isaac: Surprisingly well, actually. I think he thinks she's psychic.

Cora: [huffs a laugh] Well, hey, if it gets her a friend that's not us, I won't complain.

Stiles: And it'll get her someone else on the force who won't crack jokes at her when they find her there.

Cora: I think she needs that more than anything else.

Isaac: Yeah, definitely. I mean, I try to stick up for her, but some of the guys are assholes.

Thomas: Language at the table, Lahey.

Cora: I figured. I worry that one of these days she's going to stop staying when she calls it in, which might look worse in the long run.

Isaac: Well, Sheriff is trying to have either him or I handle her call ins, but sometimes we're on other calls. I could talk to him about having Parrish added to the short list if she's okay with it.

Cora: I'll see. She hasn't complained about him, which is why I didn't know he existed.

Isaac: They only met recently, I think. Maybe during her last episode?

Cora: I'll see if I can get anything out of her.

Isaac: Speaking of which, why isn't she here?

Cora: She said she wanted to work. Sometimes I think she needs a little ... breathing room, I guess.

Stiles: May as well get it while she can.

Cora: [nods] I don't think she always stays home, but ... she needs her space.

Derek: I'll admit I was surprised when you told me she was going to stay living with you guys when you bought the loft.

Cora: Well, we wanted her too. And I don't think she wants to live alone, either. With the soundproofing and everything, if she needs space to herself she should be able to get it, hopefully.

Stiles: She knows what she's getting into, and I mean, Dina loves her too. If she can handle us, I'm not going to tell her to go.

Cora: And she's gotten good at setting rules and telling us where the limits are, so I think she'll be okay.

Peter: And she's getting better control too. At least, control in being able to know when she is hearing something normally, or through her gift.

Cora: I just want her to have some things that are hers. [a beat] Aside from math, anyway.

Isaac: Well if she plays her cards right... Parrish is nice on the eyes and from what I can tell, very available.

Cora: [laughs a bit] I guess we'll see what happens.

Stiles: I may have to go spend time with dad and see this guy for myself.

Allison: Don't big brother her, okay? Let her do this on her own.

Stiles: I'm not big brothering her! I'm just being a.... responsible citizen making sure that he isn't evil.

Allison: That's big brothering. Leave him alone.

Stiles: [sighs] Fine. [no, he's going to do it anyway. You all know he is.]

Allison: [yes, she knows, but at least now she can't say she didn't try.]

Cora: Besides, we don't even know if Lydia's interested in him.

Peter: And I think she has better things to focus on first before a pretty boy in uniform.

Malia: Yeah, but Lydia usually uses boys for distractions anyway.

Cora: Malia.

Malia: What? I'm not saying it's a bad thing. If anything it's a point in Parrish's favor.

Derek: Liam, why don't you go check on your cousins and see what they are up to?

Liam: Do I have to? This is like, the best table talk we've had in a long time.

Derek: [look]

Liam: Fine. [gets up and heads into the living room]

Fiona: [a few minutes later she comes back in, a sleeping Lucy in her arms] Liam is sulking, whatever you kicked him out for must be good.

Stiles: Not my fault.

Fiona: [squints at him, before looking back at her husband, both for answers and with a gesture as to whether or not he wants to take his sleeping daughter so his wife can actually eat]

Derek: Topics have gone PG-17 and he's not happy I told him to leave. [stands up and takes Lucy into his arms gently]

Fiona: Ahhh. [shuffles off the baby before settling into her seat and pulling her plate closer] Poor kid.

Derek: However, thanks to Stiles I have to explain werewolf mating bites when we get home tonight.

Fiona: [she laughs] Good job Stiles.

Stiles: Hey, the kid's almost fifteen. I refuse to take the blame for the fact you haven't given him the werewolf sex talk.

Fiona: This is a talk that no parent wants to give their child, trust me.

Stiles: Why not? I gave it to Dina last year. Well, the human version of it.

Derek: That's because you're not normal. NO normal person wants to give this talk.

Cora: You're now responsible for giving it to our children. [to Stiles]

Stiles: I have no problem with that.

Scott: Can you give me the cliff notes for this speech?

Allison: [eyebrow raise] Really?

Scott: What? We can build off it and customize it to what we need.

Allison: [sighs until there's a soft cry coming from the living room] Oh, Noah's up from his nap. [starts to get up]

Scott: No, I can get him. Hey Isaac, need more diaper practice?

Isaac: Sure, I need all the help I can get on that.

Scott: I'll show you how to keep your baby boy from peeing on you. [puts his hand on Isaac's shoulder and leads him away]

Malia: [leans back, hands resting on her stomach] I don't think that's going to end well.

Stiles: Well you guys can tell me if they start screaming and I can help. [looks at Cora] Girls really are a lot easier.

Cora: Only when they're little.

Stiles: Well yeah, I plan on giving her to the circus when she hits seven.

Cora: [she laughs] She'd probably love that, actually.

Stiles: I know. Great how it works out that way, isn't it?

Cora: But you'd miss her.

Stiles: Nah, there'll be others that follow.

Peter: [chuckling, leaning back in his chair and looks at Talia. Yes, these were their children]

Cora: Uh-huh. And what if they're girls?

Stiles: Team of aerial acrobatic sisters will make a lot of money in the circus.

Cora: You aren't shipping all of our children off to the circus.

Stiles: We'll keep the boys... duh.

Derek: [just shaking his head and walking out to the living room with Lucy]

Cora: And if there are no boys?

Stiles: [sucks on his lips and just nods because nope, he's out of sarcasm on this]

Cora: That's what I thought.

Stiles: And since I'm feeling outnumbered, I'm going to go check on Scott and Isaac...

Cora: [smirks] You do that.